Bone Tired

Have you ever been “bone tired?” The kind of tired that isn’t alleviated with a good nap or even a vacation? It is with you all the time. It doesn’t prevent you from wearing a great smile and even exuding really good energy. It is deeper. It is in your bones.

I will be honest and transparent with you, only because I believe that if you truly get to know me, you will understand my art. I am bone tired. The aftermath of my brain injuries provides a strong foundation of physical and mental exhaustion. My brain uses so much energy simply navigating my environments and keeping me safe and upright. Cognitively, it takes a lot more for me to process the myriad of information and stimulation our world is constantly throwing our way. Another lovely layer my brain injury has left me with is a constant ringing in my ears that has not left me in 5 years. I often find myself mourning silence. And, as you can imagine, it takes truckloads of energy to look like I am well and happy. Don’t get me wrong…I am happy and well. But, I have realized that I am ALSO exhausted. It is a both/and situation.

Along with the brain injury came a 4 year long litigation process, which I am so grateful to announce is over! However, that experience has left its mark and has taken its toll. It is a uniquely awful experience to be accused of being a liar for 4 years. God saw me through it and I am taking so many lessons with me.

The sudden and tragic death of my father only three months after the death of my mother-in-love was almost too much to bear. Follow that with the death of our dearest Aunt Merle and saying our final goodbyes to our beloved 13 year old dog, Buddy, two days before Christmas.

After that, I thought I was maybe “in the clear” for awhile. I put all of my focus and energies into my art and preparing for the various events I was incredibly blessed to participate in in the Spring. This took an ENORMOUS amount of brain energy, requiring more time than it normally would have with a healthy brain. But, I was able to get through the mire of all the components of showing my best art and putting my best effort into representing myself authentically and successfully. My loved ones tell me I did a great job! I am grateful to God for granting me the strength to accomplish the long list of things that needed to get done. The Open Studio was a resounding success and having the opportunity to meet so many new friends was incredible!

At this point, I thought I had a stretch of time to recoup before the festivities of our son’s high school graduation. However, the day after the Open Studio ended, I received news that my younger brother, William, was seriously ill and was hospitalized.

It was at this point that all of the stress, grief, loss and anger flooded into every cell of my being. My baby brother?!? He’s never sick! He is an anchor in my life. He’s not supposed to be this sick…not now! But, he was. I had to go to him. So, my mother and I made the trip to Huntsville, AL to be with him and his family. Again, God saw us all through and did a miraculous work in William’s body. The doctor’s are preplexed with the recovery he has made, and we couldn’t be more grateful…and relieved.

I arrived home with a few days to spare before all the graduation events started happening. That brought another tsunami all its own…my baby is graduating high school! At least this was a happy event full of celebration, family and friends! Reminiscing about the past 18 years of Demetri’s life has been a wonderful salve to apply to the very open wounds I have. God has been, and continues to be so faithful to us. His goodness and love for me is overwhelming…

So, today, I am in a place of reflection and gratitude for so many things. However, the sense of exhaustion is ever with me. I am impatient, so I’d like to just do all the magic things to make it go away so I can just get on with my life. But, I am very aware of the fact that all of this IS MY LIFE. I can still experience joy, gratitude, peace and love in the midst of exhaustion. Just like so many other things in my life, exhaustion has arrived to be my teacher. I am open to learning and accepting that this is what it is right now.

If you are still reading, thank you. It is very cathartic for me to write about the elephant that has been in the room of my soul. I know that my story is not unique. Each and every one of us have things in our lives that wear us down and can be depleting. My prayer for all of us is to open our arms wide to accepting the lessons life has to teach us…to allow the grace and mercy of God to flood over every rocky place…to experience His great and unending love for us.

I’m sure it won’t surprise you that my art always imitates my life. This new piece, Bone Tired, is born out of everything I’ve just shared with you. The color palette is reflective of bones with the addition of small areas of a red iron oxide. To me, this color represents the marrow in our bones. It is the life and the producer of newness. Bones can be broken, but they have a spectacular way of healing. As I painted, an image emerged…I know, big surprise, right?! She looks tired and alien to me…a lot like how I can feel in my own body. The simple lines that create her form echo the tiredness I am experiencing…it’s all I have to give right now. No details, no show-stopping marks full of energy and color. This piece is a real and raw representation of me right now. This is me as I paint today. May God be with us all as we navigate the rough waters of life. He faithfully provides the calm in the storm so we can rest in His love for us.

Two Auctions and an exhibit!